Venustraphobia

I'm most afraid of bleeding to death. i have a minor condition called syncope in which I'm likely to pass out upon dehydration, blood pressure changes, and apparently burning. as a kid i played rather hard and on many occasions wound up cut and scraped up, which never bothered me. i have a high tolerance for pain, and blood doesn't scare me in any way. i love the saw movies and gore in no way bothers me, but so far, iv passed out three times from blood loss. two of these i had a fairly deep cut and literally bled to unconsciousness and once was during a large blood drawing (like 6 samples or so). problem is, im still partially aware, i can remember these periods of unconsciousness. they're the scariest things iv ever experienced. heights, drowning, spiders, clowns, snakes, etc. don't bother me any more than the calm decision that they could be harmful to my health, this is the only situation where serious paralyzing panic has ever truly gripped me.
look up the title. i found it trying to find a name for my fear, and it was necessary.

Phobia

Death doesn't necessarily scare me. Leaving behind others to sorrow is scary for some, but once you are dead that wouldn't really matter. Death itself is no fear of mine. However, certain ways of dying are worth being afraid of. Ever since i was a child, ive had one fear which has been greater than the others. Imagine you go to king's island and you decide to go down a water slide. Water slides are fun. Except when you somehow get stuck and blocked in the water slide. The water slowly rises around your face. You can't go down because something is blocking the way and it allows the water to rise. The water is swiftly coming in from above. You can't climb up the water slide because the water is pushing you down. Fully conscious and aware, you slowly drown in disgusting pool water. This is just one simple example of many deaths i've imagined for drowning. But all have the end result of death. Being knocked and unconscious and then drowning would hold no qualms. But if you are conscious, locked in chains at the bottom of a dirty lake, its game over. You are thinking, your lungs are exploding. You have drowned. You are dead.

The Impossible

I could feel it the moment I walked through the doorframe.  I couldn’t yet see it, because I had yet to grope for the light switch on the interior wall, but disgust and terror tiptoed from the base of my spine, up my back, and onto my neck.  I darted to the bathroom as quietly yet as confidently as I could, my eyes trained straight forward.  I brushed my teeth with the intent of cleaning my mind, too, of the grossness that had infiltrated.  I could not prolong the time I spent getting ready to approach the unspeakable quite enough to satisfy.  But did I try!  I washed my face–I even exfoliated–applied lotion, used mouthwash, flossed! plucked my eyebrows, put Vaseline on my lips, clipped my nails, moistened my cuticles, brushed my hair, removed my Band-Aid, treated a pimple, wiped away nail polish, and re-organized my makeup stash! 

But then the moment came.

I know that a late fall night should equal cold hardwood floors, but the wood felt so frigid against my feet that I could swear dementors filled the walls of my room, and boy were they embodying my worst fear!  Yet I knew that no matter what I did to eradicate the trauma, that…thing…would come back to haunt me while slept.  So I did all I could do: I closed my eyes, rolled onto my tiptoes, and zipped from my bathroom doorway across the fifteen feet to the edge of my bed.  I felt for the fold of the covers and buried myself deep beneath them without so much as glancing at that monster.  Prayers flew out of my brain, as I tried to create a wall of appeals to Heaven.  And somehow, somehow, I settled into a sort of fitful sleep.

It was three a.m. when it happened.  I couldn’t help it!  I tried to stop myself!  Before I knew what I was doing, I was bolt upright, reaching for the light switch on the wall beside my bed.  And I found it!  And I flipped it!  And there in all its horror was that dreadful, deadly, heart-wrenching evil!  I knew what I had to do, so I fought the disgust to the lowest pit of my stomach, mustered up all the courage I could find, reached out my hand, and fixed that dread crooked lampshade.  Finally I could breathe again.

But I know that some of that frightening coolness followed me back under the covers.  Because when my alarm went off in a few hours, that evil piece of fabric would sit cock-eyed again. 

Satire

I can't seem to lose weight! I must have ran for 25 whole minutes yesterday, and I got home only to discover I had lost no weight! I was so upset about it I sat down and started eating ice cream. Ice cream always makes me feel better. I thought losing weight was supposed easy, but I have ran 25 minutes today, and i think I even ran thirty minutes last week. I'm putting in the work, now where are my results. I think i have the solution though. I saw an advertisement for weight loss pills on the television! That is the reason i'm not losing weight, it has to be. If I just order these pills, I will be able to lose weight. I can stop running and eating salads on every single
Sunday. I knew this was supposed to be easy, I was just looking in the wrong area. I'm glad I dont have to be one of these super athletes like my friend Judy. She had to run every day to lose weight, but I guess i'm just a different body type. I work so much harder than her, and finally with these pills, I'll get to see my results!

Ichthyo-Ornitho-Podophobia

Yes. You did indeed read the title correctly. I am scared of fish, birds, and feet. The strangest fears, you may think, but to me they are the most terrifying objects on the planet. The first two are slightly more rational. The more extreme versions of these animals - sharks and birds of prey - are logical things to be scared of. But what throws most people off is when they learn my phobia of feet - touching them, not seeing them. Many people have an interesting story behind their irrational fears, but I’ve got nothing. The only account I have of feet in my childhood involves one of my best friends, Holly. When were kids, she would rub her feet all over me for some reason that was unbeknownst to me and I think it may have scarred me. But now hers are the only feet that do not bother me, and a lot of people like to bother me with their feet.

AWW YEAH

Ok so, here is my plan for if this occured. there is of course room for the unexpected to occur, but thats ok.
So here is what will happen: the zombies will most likely come from the far east, most likely japan or ssomewhere Asian, because crazy stuff happens in those weird korean facilities with nukes and other such asian places. the disease will spreasd quickly, but will hit a slight stopping point around the midwest due to lower population. this is the biggest part of the plan. for two days i would have time to prepare. first, i must find my good friend Coleton Cuddy, wherever he may be. next, find Justin Hui. we three would go over to Coletons house, where there is a certain number of guns that i cannot disclose. Justin would set up shop, and in less than two hours he will have manufactured around 5000 bullets for the miscelaneous guns that we would have stockpiled, cuz asians are good at that stuff. after this, following a plan that originated from the HCZASS, we would camp out in a dome like structure with the members of this group for a solid week, allowing the initial zombie hoard to rvage the city and decimate the population by assimilating them into zombies. once this week has passed, the initial pilllaging and robbery and chaos will have died down, now that only a few pockets of survivors remain. we will then find as many survivors as we can, and use them for our own group as bodyguards and for overall group moral and protection. we will head out into the city to find as much left over supplies, especially toilet paper cuz no one thinks to steal that first. once this is done, gas stations still left will be siphoned and we will take it to the Bus dock here in lexington. we will take three buses, doesnt matter who drives, and head north because zombies get sluggish in the cold. every city we come across, someone will scout the area to make sure its safe to go through. if not, we either find a way around or we fight through the citys zombie residents. this all is only the beggining, and what happens next is not in stone.

immigrating aliens

i just met an alien. he told me his people wished to move to our planet, for theirs was horrendously over populated and polluted. he told me of his wife and children. he looked almost exactly like a human, the main difference being a slight purple tinge to the skin, and of course, his badly structured Amurrcan. but his smile was inviting and we talked for an hour or so about potential policy for their migration here.
then he asked me if i could help him get a job, this was despicable. i walked back to my truck, pulled out my shotgun and blew his alien head off,  then i cashed my unemployment check and used it to buy a six pack.